The Meaning of Family
by jazmn22
Summary: The Civil War had been like a long, messy and complicated poker game where he had put everything in, used all the wrong cards and lost it all. His family had crumbled in front of his eyes, one by one leaving him, and it had been all his fault. (Slightly AU).
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: I have been reading a few absolutely brilliant Civil War fanfics and was inspired by them. I am planning on writing a short series and this is the first part of the story. I got to warn you in advance that I'm not a really fast writer in English so it'll take me some time to update, but since this is my first Avengers fic ever, I just couldn't help but publish the first part already** **. I hope you enjoy!**

 _"Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head."_

 _:::-:::_

It was a late September afternoon, and despite the light autumn chill and heavy rain, the city of New York was as active as ever.

People were bustling around: walking, running, biking, talking on the phone, picking up a taxi. Everyone minding their own business. And that's what Tony Stark loved and hated about this city. It was full of people, so he knew he wasn't alone in the world. But then again, as he was standing alone on the top of his tower, staring blankly down at the busy streets from his huge living room window, he had never felt more alone - empty - in his whole life.

Tony leaned his head to the cool window with his eyes closed and gave a shaky breath.

It had been months since the so called Civil War and the break-up of the Avengers - his family - and never had the billionaire felt more alone in his life. The tower had been hollow for such a long time that he could barely remember how it used to look before.

Before he fucked up.

The place used to be brighter and even warmer when there had been people for company instead of the shadows haunting him in the dark corners. Sometimes he would walk around the tower, roam endlessly from corridor to corridor and floor to floor. He would stop at certain places, like the kitchen, the gym or his lab, and stare blankly at them as memories overwhelmed his head.

Every floor, room and corner in the tower reminded him of his team. Passing the kitchen he would remember Steve's bad cooking, Clint's big obsession of sitting on the kitchen counter and Thor's even bigger passion of pop tarts. In the balcony he remembered how he would sit there for hours with Steve silently drawing the city in front of them, and how in the gyms Nat and Clint would spar and box with him and help him to "be a man even under the suit", as they liked to tease him. The labs had been his and Bruce's area, of course. They had stayed there for hours, just thinking and discussing about whatever they'd decided to fix or create next.

But the unquestionably best place had been the living room. That's where the whole team used to reunite every now and then. They would have movie nights, dinners, video game tournaments or they would just simply chill and enjoy each others company.

:::-:::

 _"Wait hold on, hold on. Is no one else here going to acknowledge the fact that Thor just said he defeated a dragon when he was only 493 years old!?" Clint, who was laying like a lazy starfish in the middle of the living room, exclaimed and raised his head from the floor with an incredulous look on his face._

 _"Come on, Birdbrain. You know aliens, gods and a hulk exists. A dragon shouldn't surprise any of us anymore," Tony remarked from behind his Stark tablet with a smirk. He was having a hard time trying to keep a straight face at the baffled expression on the archer's face that soon turned into a 'shut up Tony, you know what I mean' look._

 _"The Man of Iron is correct. I do not see the reason for your perplexity," Thor commented loudly from the armchair next to the sofa Tony was tapping his tablet. The god of thunder was distractedly playing with Mjölnir and had a big frown on his face, sincerely oblivious to Tony's teasing._

 _Clint got up from his prone position on the floor and sat up sighing. "The reason Thor, is that on Earth it's not really common to live till 493 years old and with not common I mean at all."_

 _"You do know he's an actual god, don't you Clint?" Steve, who hadn't taken his eyes off some old newspaper during the whole discussion, suddenly commented from the kitchen counter with a slight grin on his face._

 _"Yes, I do. Geez Cap, you really need to cut down your time with Tony. He's contaminating all of his sassiness on you," Clint quipped back, making Steve roll his eyes at the smug smile that appeared on the billionaire's face._

 _Suddenly Thor's confused expression cleared and a big smile crossed his face. "Ah! I always forget how short your Midgardian lives are." Clint mumbled a quiet 'Thanks?', making Tony snort. "But you see, in Asgard it is really common to live hundreds of years, even thousands, if you do not fall on battle of course."_

 _"Do we even wanna know your real age, Point Break?" Tony asked with a playful smirk, but his voice sounded more curious than intended._

 _"If you really want to know my friends, I am turning 1500 years in a few decades."_

 _Everyone stopped what they were doing and glanced at Thor as if seeing him for the first time._

 _"Woah, you heard that Cap?" Tony said after a while and cast Steve an incredulous look. "Point Break, our pop tarts loving friend here, is older than you."_

 _Steve just stared at Thor in amazement. "I knew he was older than me, but I thought he outdid with maybe a hundred years, not over a thousand."_

 _To everyone's surprise Clint just smiled smugly and said the first thing that came up to his mind._

 _"That must be a hell of a party then."_

 _Tony let out an incredulous "Seriously?! That's what you come up with?", but Thor just laughed at the archer fondly._

 _"What'll be a hell of a party?"_

 _Everyone glanced to see a red haired and slightly tired looking Natasha Romanoff enter the living room. She sat on the sofa next to Tony, crossed her legs casually and started to tap her fingers on the Stark pad on her hands._

 _"Tasha! Good for you to finally join us," Clint chipped enthusiastically at the sight of his favorite assassin, who gave him a small smile in response. "I thought Bruce was never gonna leave you alone with those upgrade thingies. Where is he anyway?"_

 _"He's in the lab finishing some stuff for Fury. Although, he has been more busy chatting with someone..." Natasha quickly raised her eyebrow at Tony who was silently smiling at the open WhatsApp chat on his pad "...the whole time I was there that I think he hasn't really proceeded that much on his work today."_

 _Tony, sensing everyone's raised eyebrows on his direction, finally closed his pad and looked at the others with crossed arms. "What are you guys looking at? There is nothing wrong with sending a few funny gifs about Hawkeye falling repeatedly to brighten a friend's day."_

 _Clint's eyebrows furrowed accusingly, but just before the grumpy archer could open his mouth and the rest would have to hear yet another long bickering between the two, Natasha saved the day._

 _"Now, what party were you talking about?"_

 _For a moment Clint looked torn between retorting to Tony and answering to Tasha, but in the end he realized that the other wasn't really even an option._

 _"Well you see, Thor here was just telling us that he'll soon be celebrating his only 1500th birthday," the archer chipped sarcastically, giving a lopsided grin at Tasha's raised eyebrow._

 _"Yes, and as the Feather Man said before - it will be a hell of a party," Thor declared proudly, Mjölnir still making flips on his hand._

 _"Well, as long as Tony doesn't plan it, I'm in. I still don't get his definition of the word 'party', if you know what I mean."_

 _If Natasha could smile, she would be smirking at her own wittiness the way Clint, Thor and Steve were. Tony, on the other hand, glared at the red head._

 _"You're now officially uninvited from the party of the century, Natasha Romanoff. I thought we already had a discussion and an agreement about this particular subject after the whole shitty New York fiasco a year ago."_

 _Before anyone could answer, a quiet "language" was heard from the kitchen counter. And this time, even Natasha Romanoff couldn't hide her amusement._

 _:::-:::_

Tony remembered every single time he'd made Nat smile and one time even laugh so hard she'd fallen down the sofa, and how proud he had felt afterwards because of it.

He remembered Thor's bona fide smiles and the gleam of excitement in the god's eyes that appeared from such small things like movies nights, advanced technology, tasty food and his own stories about Asgard.

Tony remembered the way Clint's face used to turn into a fond smirk whenever he entered the room and how the witty archer would crawl in the vents all the way to his lab to bring him food or just plain company.

He remembered how Steve used t...

Tony caught his breath and leaned back from the window as if the glass had burned his forehead. He could feel his eyes prickle with warm unleashed tears. What the hell was he doing? He should just forget it all because those things are in the past. _"They aren't coming back,"_ he hissed to himself with a mixture or anger, guilt and sadness that were threatening to drown him. _"You made fucking sure of it."_

 _:::-:::_

The Civil War had been like a long, messy and complicated poker game where he had put everything in, used all the wrong cards and lost it all. His family had crumbled in front of his eyes, one by one leaving him, and it had been all his fault.

First it had been Bruce. Tony had always known that the doctor carried a heavy load with all the guilt and worry for the 'monster' living inside of him. And he knew that the weight of the load must have increased incredibly after the whole Ultron fiasco and Wanda's mind-controlling making the other guy destroy a large part of the city of Johannesburg in South Africa.

Not that it was Wanda's fault that there had been so much hate inside of her because one of his weapons had killed her childhood. And it's not like it was her who created Ultron in the first place.

 _"So you're going for artificial intelligence and you don't want to tell the team."_

 _"Right. That's right, you know why, because we don't have time for a city hall debate. I don't want to hear the "man was not meant to meddle" medley. I see a suit of armor around the world."_

 _"Sounds like a cold world, Tony."_

 _"I've seen colder."_

So in the end the big guy stole one of SHIELD's jets and took off without a word who knows where, leaving a heartbroken and slightly confused team behind him.

But now that he thought about it, Tony was kind of glad that the doctor had left when he had. He was sure he couldn't have bore yet another disappointed look from a person he deeply cared about.

::-::

Next to the line was Thor, whose motives were completely different to Bruce's. While the other had tried to deal with guilt, the other had responsibilities. And even though Tony totally understood it, he still missed the silly but righteous god. He could remember as clear as crystal the bright afternoon when he was escorting Thor with Steve.

 _"But if you put the hammer in an elevator..."_

 _"It would still go up."_

 _"Elevator's not worthy."_

 _"I'm going to miss these little talks of ours."_

 _"Well, not if you don't leave."_

 _"I have no choice. The Mind Stone is the fourth of the Infinity Stones to show up in the last few years. That's not a coincidence. Someone has been playing an intricate game and has made pawns of us. But once all these pieces are in position..."_

He didn't know where the goofy god was now or what has happened to him while he has been gone, but he sure as hell hoped his friend was doing better than the rest of them.

::-::

After Thor, it had been Nat's turn to leave. And unlike the understanding he'd felt about Thor's responsibilities outside of Earth, the assassin's take off had been the first one to actually _hurt_.

He and Natasha had had a very rocky start with the whole Natalie Rushman and the 'Iron Man yes, Tony Stark not recommended' incidents. But in the end it had taken only two months for Natasha to see the real Tony from behind the mask he wore, three months for Tony to notice Natasha's own mask and truly forgive her, and a year for the redhead to become to him like the sister he'd never had.

But even though they'd become very close, he couldn't say that he wasn't surprised when the assassin had taken his side on the whole shitty Accords debacle. He knew that her and Steve's friendship had began much earlier than theirs and was sure that the red head would do whatever their leader decided. But to his delighted surprise, it had been him whom she had chosen at the moment.

 _"Maybe Tony's right. If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off - ."_

 _"Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?"_

 _"I'm just... I'm reading the terrain. We have made... some very public mistakes. We need to win their trust back."_

 _"Fokus up. I'm sorry, did I just mishear you or did you agree with me?"_

 _"Oh, I want to take it back now."_

 _"No, no, no. You can't retract it. Thank you. Unprecedented. Okay, case closed - I win."_

But of course she didn't stay by his side till the end. She fought on his side in the battle at the airport, but then helped the two soldiers to escape in the last minute. T'Challa could've maybe captured the pair, but the future king didn't even have a chance after Black Widow had changed her mind and loyalty for Steve Rogers.

But he didn't blame her, not for one bit. How could he? He was more glad that she did what she did because otherwise Steve could be ether in prison or even dead on the worst case scenario. And it would all have been because of his blind faith in Secretary Ross, and that would've been something he just couldn't have been able to live with.

But the thing that did affect him, was they _way_ they'd parted. It happened just after getting back from the airport to a hospital where Rhodney started his lingering recovery. They had been both there with Vision, worriedly watching over the broken War Machine.

Tony knew a conversation between the two was awaiting ahead, but he'd had no idea at the time that it would maybe be their last one ever. And he couldn't even describe how deeply he regretted the direction it had taken.

 _"Steve is not gonna stop. If you don't ether, Rhodney's gonna be the best case scenario."_

 _"You let them go, Nat."_

 _"We played this wrong."_

 _"'We'? Boy, it must be hard to shake the whole double agent thing, huh? It sticks in the DNA."_

 _He regretted his words the second they were out of his trash of a mouth. And judging from the startled look on Nat's face, she wasn't expecting the sudden outburst ether._

 _"Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one goddamn second?"_

 _And just like that, like turning a switch off, he could see the same indifference and unreliability in Natasha's eyes as he had seen on them a little over a year ago. The same blank look and cold calculating eyes that she used to use on everyone before she'd met Clint and the Avengers._

 _"T'Challa told Ross what you did, so... they are coming for you."_

 _It was meant as a protective warning, an apology. He'd never been good at apologies._

 _Tony could feel the hurt radiating from her voice._

 _"I'm not the one that needs to watch their back."_

And then she just walked away. Away from the hospital. Away from New York, maybe even the country. And most pressingly, away from his life. And the only thing on the back of his mind had been his own voice urging him to go after her.

::-::

But then he'd gotten the groundbreaking message from Friday.

 _"What am I looking at, Friday?"_

 _"Priority upload from Berlin police"_

If it hadn't been Nat's leave, it was Friday's announcement that had finally opened his eyes and for the first time he'd seen how wrong he'd been.

Bucky was innocent.

 _"Fire up the chopper."_

 _::-::_

He could say that after Nat it'd been Clint who'd left him, but in reality, it'd been the other way around. He just hadn't realized it yet.

The chopper had taken him to the Raft prison to see how Clint and Wanda where doing and to ask help from Wilson. He'd made a quick plan in the helicopter, programmed all the Raft's hacking protocols ready for a single push of a button, so Sam could tell him Cap's location without the scheming Secretary finding out. Then his plan had been to leave, help Steve and Bucky wherever they were and take everyone home.

But little had he known that his relationship with the particular archer had been already burned down to the ground.

To many outside of their team it would've sounded quite bizarre, but Tony and Clint used to be incredibly close. At the tower they used to bicker about everything and nothing, call each other names like Legolas and Iron Ass and joke around so much that rest of the team (who hadn't seemed to have as amazing sense of humor as them) learned to just ignore and leave the two in their own bubble.

But it wasn't like their relationship had consisted only of jokes and superficial bander. No. As peculiar as it may sound, out of all the people, it had been Clint to whom Tony used to go after a nightmare if Pepper wasn't home. It'd been Clint to whom he opened up about Howard because he knew that the other man could relate in many ways. It'd been Clint who gratefully hugged him when he'd taken care of the moron agents harassing him because of the whole Loki mind-controlling thing. And it'd been Clint with who he'd shared a special bond that he wouldn't have traded for anything in the world.

But as everything in his life, nothing good lasts forever.

At first it had been a shock to him, to say the least, that even though of his retirement, the Archer had come back and taken Cap's side just like that, without even calling him first. And for the first time it'd made him wonder, if he was doing the right thing after all.

Then later, way too late, he'd understood Clint's reasoning. How in the world could he have gone to Tony's side when it had been _him_ who'd caused the whole Sokovia fiasco, got people killed and was the one in fault why the Accords were created in the first place.

When out of all the people in the world it'd been _him_ who'd decided to trust Secretary Ross's word and thought that after everyone signing the contract, the wicked man would just happily leave them alone after all the trouble he had caused.

When it was _him_ who had been so fucking stupid and ridiculously naive to think that if they caught them, Ross wouldn't just throw Steve or anyone else on his side, including Clint, straight to the most secure prison in the world.

 _"The Futurist, gentlemen! The Futurist is here! He sees all! He knows what's best for you whether you like it or not."_

 _Tony wanted to apologize, to tell Clint that he was going to get him out of there, to break the barrels keeping them apart right then and there. But he couldn't because he knew Ross was observing and he knew that he had to help Steve first and then gather the rest together._

 _"Give me a break, Barton. I had no idea they could put you here. Come on."_

Come on

 _Tony's eyes widened slightly in surprise when Clint's once warm blue eyes turned cold and untrusty as they stared at him with pure hate and betrayal. The bitterness in the archer's voice still haunted him at night._

 _"Yeah, well, you knew they would put us somewhere,_ Tony _."_

He'd known that he hadn't been on Clint's best side at the moment, but he'd had no idea just how low he'd fallen in the archer's eyes. And not until sitting devastatingly alone in the tower for months, trying to think how had everything gone so wrong, had he realized the most pressing reason to Clint's sudden hatred. And, God, it had risen fast to the top of his long list of things he regretted the most.

Because for the first time had Tony realized that the archer hadn't been on Cap's side because of Steve, but because of Bucky. An innocent man who had made horrible things without his own will because of mind-controlling. It must have hit Clint close to home. And because out of all the people, it'd been Tony chasing Bucky to hand him over to the authorities, who he knew would've killed the man without hesitation, all the times he'd assured Clint that Loki's mind-controlling wasn't his fault must have perished into thin air.

::-::

The last but not the least team member to literally walk out of his life had been Steve Rogers, his childhood hero, his friend, his _brother_. And it hadn't hurt any less than Nat's and Clint's leave.

Some nights when Tony was still woken up by nightmares, his heart pumping too many times per minute and cold sweat sticking to his clothes, his mind forced him to relive the dreadful fight in Siperia: him going to help Steve and Bucky, trying to make everything right. Them finding Zemo and watching how the Winter Soldier crashed his parents' car. Seeing detailedly how his father was beaten to death and his innocent mother brutally strangled after begging and watching her husband to die.

 _"Did you know?"_

 _"I didn't know it was him."_

 _"Don't bullshit me, Rogers! Did you know?"_

 _"Yes."_

The sting of betrayal on his heart had been familiar, yet so sharply painful. He hadn't been able to even hide the obvious pain with his usual mask.

And then all hell had broken loose.

He could still see and feel the whole fight. The red in his eyes whenever he saw his parents killer. The punches and repulsor blasts aimed at the two soldiers. Bucky trying to take off his arc reactor and him breaking the man's metal arm in response. Steve on top of him, throwing a punch after punch, hurting more his heart than his battered body.

 _"He's my friend."_

 _"So was I."_

He could see the look on Steve's eyes: the desperation, the mixture of regret and determination, the protectiveness that wasn't directed at him anymore, and especially the disappointment. The same kind of disappointment that Tony had seen in the Captain's eyes in the Helicanner what felt like ages ago. And it's funny how a single look could twinge so much.

 _"A big man in a suit of armor? Take that off what are you?_

 _"The only thing you really fight for is yourself."_

 _"You know, you may not be threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero."_

He hadn't been proud of his own low blows ether, but fortunately after New York, when they had won the war against Loki, the Avengers had not long after moved into the new Avengers tower and Tony and Steve had got past their earlier argument in the Helicanner. They'd both admitted that they were sorry for what they had said and that they wanted to start over. And that was exactly what they had done.

But there they'd been again. Ripping each other's throats in Siperia. Only this time with real punches instead of words. But then, just before Steve had done something he would have probably regretted, the soldier did the right thing as he always did, and backed off.

Tony had watched with a mixture of guilt, sadness, jealousy, hurt and a thousand other emotions as Steve had helped an one-armed Bucky up and started walking away from his life, just the way Nat had less than seven hours prior.

And he'd felt as if the last intact peace of his heart had been torn into a million little sharp pieces.

 _"That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it. My father made that shield!"_

The clatter that came from the dropped shield hitting the cold dirty Siperian ground, echoed in Tony's ears the whole striving way back to New York City. And beside the ringing, there was only one thought occupying his empty mind.

 _"I lost my family."_

 _:::-:::_

As if losing the five most important people in his life wasn't enough for whoever it was laughing at him from up above, the last three he'd had left, left him too.

Vision, his loyal android friend, had seemed to have taken a special liking in Wanda, and left him with a short note telling he was sorry, but the others in the run needed more help than Tony at the moment. Understandable.

Rhodney, his closest friend since childhood, the one who'd put up with him even when he'd been unbearable on the lowest point of his life, had apparently had had enough of him. Losing the ability to walk because of him must have been the last drop, and even through the ex-soldier hadn't said it exactly like that, Tony could easily read it between the lines when he'd visited his old friend after Siperia. Needing a 'break' from Tony until he recovered meant that if Rhodney didn't need him on the bad times, for what reason would he need him on the good one's?

And then there had been Pepper. His sweet, strawberry avoiding, 'what would I do without you' Pepper. The one who he loved so much he would have done absolutely anything for her to be happy.

But then the thing he'd feared ever since their first kiss on that rooftop had finally become true. His crazy life had became just too much for her. Pepper hadn't been able to deal with the fact that whenever she was abroad on business meetings, someone could call her anytime to tell that the man she loved had been killed being a hero. It was kind of ironic. She couldn't be with him because of Iron Man, and he couldn't protect her without it.

So they'd taken a break.

And they had been on it ever since until he got back from Siperia. It'd happened right after Tony had gotten back to the tower from the hospital where Rhodney'd sent him home. At the moment he'd still been on the state of mind where he was feeling completely numb. It'd felt as if someone had stung him and momentarily filled the open excruciating hole in the middle of his heart with a sedative. But when he'd finally checked his phone to call the one last person in the world that he had left, he'd found the voicemail that'd ripped his whole numb heart out of his chest.

 _"Hey, Tony, it's me. I'm in France now and just heard from the news about the whole Accords thing and I'm so sorry for not being there for you. I hope you're doing okay and that you sort things out with Steve. I really do. And I don't know where you're at the moment so I… I don't have any other choice than to leave you this message and… *shuddering breath* God, I just… So much has happened during these past months when we haven't seen each other and I… I don't know how to tell you this, but.. I found someone. You don't know him, I met him here in France, it's a long story, but we just kind of clicked. He's a cook, how ordinarily fantastic is that? And I just… I still love you Tony, you'll always have a special place in my heart, but he makes me happy and I feel so… so carefree with him, and I… I'm just so sorry. I hope that someday we'll get to be friends again, but for now… I think it would be better if we kept our distance for a while. I already hate telling you this via voicemail, so please call me whenever you get this, okay?"_

So Tony had called, she'd answered and they'd talked. He hadn't been able to talk much because of the growing painful lump in his throat, so he'd made it quick. He'd told her that she could still be the CEO of Stark Industries, that he was happy for her and that he'll keep his distance. And even through every fiber in his being had been telling him to beg her not to leave him - not now when he needed her more than ever - he'd sucked it up, bided farewell and hung up. For once in his life he'd done the right thing and let her go.

:::-:::

So here he was now. Three months later. The great Tony Stark, standing alone in the dark tower's living room, in the same room where he'd been during the team's many evening gatherings.

Only this time he was back in the same zero point he had been ten years previously. When he'd had no family, no self-respect and no dreams for the future. When his alcohol blurred mind couldn't even register the people around him - not even himself.

But the difference was, that this time he wasn't an alcoholic or a playboy, and for a change he didn't want to be alone. This time he'd absolutely no one to be there for him and this time he knew what he'd lost.

 _"So you are a man who has everything, and nothing."_

In other words, Tony Stark was a wreck. A shadow of what he used to be. It is true that his life had never been rainbows and unicorns, but this had been the hardest and the most painful punch that the universe had given him so far. The constantly aching pain in his heart couldn't be compared to the time when his father used to hate and neglect him. It couldn't be compared to the night he heard his parents had died in a car crash. Nor to all the years he'd felt so lost and alone and decided to seek refuge from alcohol and parties. Not even to the torture in Afghanistan, Yincen's death, Obadiah's betrayal, the wormhole...

It was funny how life worked. One minute you're on the top of the mountain and the next struggling to reach the ocean's surface. But Tony Stark couldn't even see the surface anymore. He couldn't sleep because of nightmares, couldn't eat because of guilt and he couldn't breathe because of anxiety. He just… was. Like a corpse waiting for the nature to do its job.

So it wasn't a surprise when he didn't protest when they came. Didn't even more a finger to stop them from gagging and dragging him out of the tower. The urgent voices of FRIDAY warning him from intruders had been drowned with the voices of screaming inside his head. He didn't speak, didn't shout, didn't fight.

Tony Stark just didn't care anymore.

 **To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: So sorry for the super late update! Thank you for reading.**

 _"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."_

—

It was a late Monday evening and the sun was setting down on the dusty hills of southern Syria. There were no buildings, no trees nor people nearby. Only a few lonely looking bushes and their dark shadows hiding from the sunset. If you don't count the occasional military trucks driving along the small gritty road crossing the wasteland, the only other life there were the snakes and bugs, living their own battle of every day's survival.

But today they were not the only one's.

Today was a special day for the land because there were not only one, but five fugitives hiking along the low hills of this area. They were not walking among the road, but hiding in the shadows of the arbitrary bushes instead.

"Are we there yet?"

Natasha wiped her slightly sweaty hair away from her eyes as she looked up to see Clint walking away from his spot next to Wanda, past herself and Sam and settle his pace to walk beside Steve on the front.

Steve looked years older than he really was and his new full-grown beard didn't help the matter. The usual glint, which Natasha could remember twinkling from his light blue eyes, was now gone and the only thing left was the same unreadable expression that she personally knew too well.

The soldier just stared tiredly at the infertile road ahead of them, didn't even glance at the archer who was staring at him expectantly.

"No, still eight miles to the west to reach the border," Steve practically sighed, "Then we've to make up a plan to fool the guards and cross it without alert."

"Can't we just sneak from the side? It's not like the last guards we beat up yesterday in like what, two seconds, would earn the "At least you tried your best" -award," Sam huffed from beside her, shifting his huge rucksack better on his shoulders.

"No, it's too risky. The border is almost completely lowland covered by low grass. No matter how dumb the guards are, they would easily spot and shoot at us," Steve replied, still looking ahead with that same goddamn blank look on his eyes.

Clint's eyebrows furrowed and shoulders slumped. Suddenly, he slowed his pace and stopped, making Sam almost bump into him and shout an annoyed "Dude!" The rest stopped, too.

"Sorry man, but holy crap this sucks. Can't we at least make a fire and camp? We have been walking for over a hundred miles today and I swear my feet will turn into jelly if we keep up like this."

Natasha looked around at the tired faces of his friends and she could tell they were all beyond exhausted. Even Steve, the super soldier, looked tired. But then again, they had all been exhausted for days now - months even. Ever since the whole shitty Accords incident happened.

For months had the five of them been on the run, stopping terrorists, helping people, hiding. They had stopped by to Wakanda a few times and the beautiful kingdom of T'Challa had become their new "home". The kind king had let them stay for as long as they needed and promised to keep their location unknown to the world.

But even through they were very grateful, Natasha could tell that none of them really felt like they had a home anymore. T'Challa was really amiable and had taken them with open arms, but it just wasn't the same. Home was a place were family was together. And now that their family was broken, they all knew it was going to take them a long time to recover.

But the thing that really irritated Natasha, was the lack of communication between the remaining team members nowadays. Unsurprisingly, with the lack of communication came also the tension. She had felt it in the air since the day she'd met the rest of the team in Wakanda about a month ago. The fugitives had been in the kingdom for a while before her, since she'd been on the run alone, looking for her captive friends in Europe first. Luckily she'd met up with Vision, who told her that Clint and the rest had escaped the Raft and were now safely in Wakanda. And to her relief, when finally meeting the rest, instead of a wary welcoming she'd been engulfed in a huge hug by a very relieved looking archer.

But now she couldn't even remember the last time she'd had a meaningful conversation with any of the scattered ex-Avengers. She'd tried to talk to them about the Accords, tried to light the weight pressing on all of their shoulders, but none of them had been willing to talk about their thoughts or own experience during the so-called Civil War.

Well, none except Clint. Unlike the others, he actually _had_ shared with her, but then shut her down completely. They'd talked afterwards the first night she'd arrived to Wakanda. The archer had been extremely upset that night, as the happened events were still fresh and he hadn't had anyone to open up to in weeks. And then, in Natasha's ample Wakandan dormitory, the archer had let all of his walls stumble down as he explained to her through badly contained broken sobs how much he hated Tony fucking Stark, hurt and betrayal raw on his voice. Natasha had hugged him until he'd calmed down in her arms and fallen asleep. She may or may have not shred a few tears herself.

But the next morning Clint had acted as if nothing had happened. As if Natasha hadn't listened to him rambling for hours about Bucky, his family and Stark. As if she hadn't tucked him to her bed and slept on top of the covers next to him herself. As if she hadn't had a sleepless night, thinking about the sting of ache and betrayal on her own heart. As if they hadn't been best friends for _years_.

It's not like she would ever admit it, but she couldn't (and didn't want to) remember the last time she'd felt this lonely.

But then they'd gotten the rumors about terrorists in the Middle East. And even through they weren't in the best position, being on the run and all, Steve had felt it his duty to help those who needed help. Only Bucky'd had to stay since he was still recovering and Vision was needed to help Shuri with the stone on his forehead, but how could any of the rest of them had said no to that?

So here they were now. In the southwest of Syria, tired and beaten-up after stopping some bad guys planning an attack in a small town base. They were all a bit roughed up, heading towards the border of Lebanon, where another terrorist cell had been rumored to scheme.

"Are you mad? No, we can't just stop Clint. We've got to get rid of those bastards and then get the hell out of here back to Wakanda. As soon as possible."

Natasha didn't turn, but she could hear the badly contained sharpness in Wanda's voice. She'd been tailing behind everyone, and like all of them before Clint, she had been quiet for hours, only walking and staring numbly ahead.

Clint turned to look at Wanda, clearly surprised at the harsh tone. "Look, we are not gonna do any good if we're exhausted. I say we camp now for a night or two, gather up our strength and then attack with full force."

The calm suggestion didn't seem to please Wanda in the slightest and Natasha tensed slightly as the teenager literally stomped past her and Sam, right next to Clint with an angry glare. "Are you thick or what?! We can't just camp out _for a night or two_. Ether the bad guys catch us or the government will! _I_ say we attack now when we still have the advantage."

Wanda must've been upset for a while now for acting out so suddenly, but Clint didn't seem to have noticed this since frustration was starting to appear on the archers already tired looking features as well. Steve had snapped out of his stupor and glanced at both Sam and Natasha warily.

"Well _I_ say I just gave a realistic suggestion. Just because you're so desperate to get back to Wakanda to see your beloved _Vision_ , doesn't mean we should all just go up there immediately and let the bad guys kick our ass!"

"Well just because I actually have the chance to see Vision unlike you your _family_ , doesn't mean we should all waste our time just because you feel like it!"

"Well at least I _have_ a family!"

Natasha could see the exact millisecond when Clint's face twisted in instant regret as his brain registered the words that had come out of his mouth. And the next second she could see how Wanda's eyes, filled with unlashed tears, flashed with hurt that soon turned into badly contained rage.

And just as the young witches eyes were starting to glow red and her hair float in the air, as upset as Natasha was with Clint, she still rushed to cover her dumb friend by placing herself between him and the furious girl.

"Enough! Both of you."

To everyone's surprise it wasn't Natasha's but Steve's voice that echoed in the valley. The soldier's usually tired looking features turned unexpectedly sharp as he'd turned around to properly look at his two fighting team members. They both looked off-guard for a second at their leader's sudden change in behavior.

"That's enough," Steve said slightly softer this time, but the sharpness didn't leave his eyes. "I know we are all tired and hungry and we all want to go hom... to Wakanda, but we can't just unleash our frustration on our own. Instead we have to focus on what really matters at the moment..."

"Steve's right," Sam agreed determinedly, "Why butt heads with each other when we all know who we should _really_ be blaming."

They all stiffened at the mention of "the one who shouldn't be mentioned", but then a shadow passed on both Clint's and Wanda's eyes as they spat the unforgivable name like it was venom for their tongues.

 _"Stark."_

"That's not what I..." Steve tried, looking uncomfortable now, but Sam was on roll.

"Yeah, that's right. _Stark_ ", Sam spat the name with the same amount of hate, "I don't know why we've been ignoring this for months, but we all know that we're in this whole shitty situation only because of him. So let's not start pointing accusing fingers towards our own when it really should be pointing towards New York or wherever the hell that clown is."

"You're right. This is all that narcissist bastard's fault. All of it." The young girl's eyes were cold as ice, looking at each one of the group members around her. "The whole Accords mess was his fault since he created Ultron and got people killed in the first place! Then he did nothing but watch as half of us got thrown into the world's most secure prison. And for what? For trying to save an innocent man and not accepting to be the government's puppets!"

"All the things that Stark did are unforgivable, but we can't dwell on the past right now in the middle of a dead valley. It's getting dark and we must camp", Natasha spoke for the first time, making everyone glance at her and then at the dangerously quickly setting sun on the horizon.

Wanda looked like she was about to protest again, but Steve put a tender hand on her shoulder. "Natasha's right, Wanda. We'll be no good in a fight if we are this tired." The Super Soldier looked quickly at their surroundings until his gaze stopped to a slightly shrouded spot next to one of the lonely hills in the area. "Let's camp there. It looks like a good enough hiding spot and we can continue and cross the border tomorrow with our heads in the game."

For Steve's relief, Wanda's sigh of disapproval turned into a profound yawn. "Alright, but I'm waking everyone up early tomorrow."

Steve smiled for the first time in days, patted the sleepy teenager in the back before righting his huge rucksack on his shoulders and heading towards their camping spot with the rest of the team on his heels.

The camp was made rather quickly. Everyone had put up their tents in less than ten minutes and a fire was made in fifteen, when Sam and Clint had found some brushwood to burn. After the next hour, the sun had completely settled down and all the light they had, were ether from the moon and the billion stars dancing on the breathtaking night sky, or from their little campfire that was now dangerously close on going out at any second.

"That's it. I'm getting more shrubbery to burn," Sam announced as he got up to his feet from the dim campfire. The rest were sitting around it too, trying to get all the warmth that they could from the dying flames.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Clint raised an eyebrow, glancing at Sam and then Steve who was sitting next to him. "I mean it's really dark already and I wouldn't want to spend my whole night looking for a lost Falcon wandering in the desert."

Sam just rolled his eyes. "Would you prefer to freeze to death instead, huh? Besides, I can probably see you guys from a mile if I stay on this side of the hill."

"You make valid points, Falcony."

"You want me to come with you? I don't think we should separate even if we seem to be in a spacious area," Steve offered and was just getting up when Sam stopped him.

"No, don't worry pal. I think I can handle the hungry mosquitos myself. I'll be back in no time."

And with that Steve sat hesitantly back down and they all watched as Falcon slowly disappeared into the darkness.

"Is it just me or does every single one who dies in a horror movie say that?"

"Shut up, Clint," Wanda rolled her eyes, but everyone could see a ghost of a smile on the corners of her mouth.

"I'm just saying."

They sat in silence for a while, the only sounds coming from the smothering flames and noisy crickets chirping in the night. Natasha glanced up seeing everyone deep in thought. Unsurprisingly, it was Clint who broke the silence.

"Uhm... Wanda," the archer hesitantly stood up. "I would like to talk to you privately for a minute, if that's alright?"

For a second the girl looked surprised, but then she seemed to remember she was still angry with the man and huffed a simple "whatever", before following him a little distance away from the camp where Steve and Natasha could still see them.

For a while Natasha just stared at the pair, watching as Clint was clearly trying to apologize about their little fall out earlier, and seeing how Wanda's expression was turning softer and softer by the minute.

"He'll come around soon enough."

If Natasha hadn't been trained to be ready for everything at anytime since she was a little girl, she would have startled at the super soldier's sudden voice next to her.

"I know," she sighed.

"Then why are you worried?"

"I'm not worried...I'm just..."

 _Hurt Mad Lonely_

"I know."

She glanced at Steve's deep blue, honest to God eyes and the tension left her body. Her friend had said only two words, but the "I know, me too" and "I'm sorry for not being there for you before" were written all over his face. After a moment of staring, she turned her eyes back on their two members still talking in the distance.

"It's not your fault, Steve," She said after a while.

This time it was the soldier's turn to sigh.

"I'm not so sure of that," he responded with slumped shoulders. "I just... wish I could take back some things I said and did."

"Hey..." Natasha turned to face him and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You did what you thought was right. We all did. And I think we all did some mistakes, too. But as much as I hate to admit it, it _was_ Stark who did most of the damage and turned his back on us. So don't you go feeling too bad about what you did when we're here, trying to help people while running for our freedom, while Stark is sitting comfortably in his warm, fancy tower."

Steve eyes turned to the ground for a while, like he was thinking over what she'd said. Then he looked up at her again with sad eyes, but gave her a ghost of a smile anyway.

"I never told you this but I'm glad you're here," He said sincerely and took her hand gently on his. "Don't know what I would've done if I'd lost another family member, too, "

Natasha smiled, a genuine smile, and squeezed his hand back. She opened her mouth to respond but closed it as she saw movement from the corner of her eye. A finally calm teenager and a relieved looking archer were walking over to them.

"Hey guys, do you know how..," Clint's casual demeanor turned into a puzzled expression as his eyes wandered between Natasha and Steve who were holding hands and gazing at each other just a moment ago.

"Sorry did we interrupt something?" Wanda asked slyly, her eyes also wandering between the two.

Steve realized what it must've looked like and quickly sat back again, face blushing furiously. Natasha's smile turned into an amused smirk as she sat back as well.

"Not interrupting. Are you guys good now?"

Clint eyed them with a look that Natasha couldn't quite grasp before playing it cool again and glancing at Wanda.

"Yeah, we made up. Apparently I'm an idiot, but at least I'm an apologetic idiot."

"And awkward," Wanda added.

"I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that," Clint glared before turning to look at the darkness around them. "Shouldn't Sam be back soon? The fire's almost out."

The rest followed Clint's slightly worried gaze at the spot where their friend had left a little while ago. Natasha and Steve stood up with as well.

"Maybe we should go search for him? Just in case?" Wanda frowned.

"But shouldn't someone have to stay and watch the camp?" Clint asked, looking around at their scattered belongings.

"He's been gone for approximately ten to fifteen minutes. He may just be having trouble finding anything flammable in this darkness," Steve said with a reassuring voice, though his eyes betrayed a hint of worry. "Let's give him ten more minutes. If he's still not back by then, we split up, half stays here and half goes to look out for Sam."

"Sounds like a plan," Natasha said, and was just about to sit back again, when she felt a tender hand on her shoulder. She turned around to meet Clint's unusually soft eyes.

Her expression, in the other hand, must have been all but soft since the archer dropped his hand quickly.

"Sorry I'm... I mean, I just wondered if we could..."

Suddenly Clint gasped and his eyes widened in alarm. It took Natasha two seconds to see a small dart sticking from his neck and she put two and two together. In a heartbeat she dived, bringing Clint down with her.

"Guys watch out!"

Next thing she knew, a dozen of small darts were raining at their direction, another one hitting the almost unconscious archer on the shoulder and one barely missing her head. When the rain stopped, she looked up and saw Wanda lying on the ground, knocked out, and Steve, with several darts sticking from his back, crawling to the girls aid.

"Steve!" She tried, but her voice was drowned to a sudden strong wind and a voluminous noise of engines running above them. She looked up, her hair flying with the wind, to see a huge military stylish plane hove in the air, starting to land on the valley, which was now full of action with black suited men running and surrounding them from all sides, everyone with guns pointed at them.

Natasha tried quickly to reach for her own gun, but cursed when all she could feel was air on her back pocket. Of course they would be attacked the one time she'd left it in her bag.

"Clint!" She whisper-shouted urgently, reaching for her unmoving partner lying next to her. She cupped his face with her hands and tried to shake him awake. "Clint, wake up goddammit!" Her heart skipped a beat when the only answer she got was silence. "Damn it," She muttered back and frantically searched the archer's pockets for possible weapons. There was nothing.

They were trapped.

Her head snapped back at Steve, but to her horror the super soldier had also been knocked out, his body protectively shielding Wanda's. As she could hear the men getting too close for her liking, she did the only thing left to do.

She leaped from her hunched position towards her bag, ran as fast as she could, reached the bag and loaded her gun. Her finger ready on the trigger, she was just gonna put down the two nearest men, when suddenly she felt a dozen of stings all over her back.

In a blink of an eye, she shot at the two men, but couldn't see if her bullets had met their targets, since suddenly everything around her got blurred. She felt as if she was floating in the air, the muffled shouts of the men around them getting further and further away, her face nearing the ground in a strange slow motion. And for some inexplicable reason, before her face hit the cold dirty soil, the last person in her mind was Tony Stark.

And then she felt nothing.

—


End file.
